Despite being billed as a documentary, Netflix hit Indian Matchmaking plays out more like reality TV, its subjects more scripted characters than real people. Now in its third season, the show follows Mumbai matchmaker Sima Taparia as she attempts to set up clients while navigating not only their endless nitpicky criteria for what they want in a partner, but also her own internalized prejudices about skin colour, caste and same-sex marriages. A scene early on casts doubt on her abilities – she confidently points to a painting on client Aparna Shewakramani’s wall and identifies it as that of a cat, when it really is that of Aparna’s…dog. It’s one of many moments of levity in a show in which the characters exhibit an unfiltered, and often unhinged version of themselves. Here are some of its best lines:
“Marriages nowadays are like biscuits, they keep breaking” – Sima Taparia, matchmaker
Biscuits aren’t the first item that spring to mind when people talk about breakable wares but I guess this just makes us all Parle Gs in the hot chai that is life.
“He didn’t know Bolivia had salt flats. I was like, okay.” – Aparna Shewakramani, client
Throughout the show, lawyer Aparna comes across as a woman who knows her mind, who knows exactly what she wants in a partner. Or maybe the list of qualities she doesn’t want might be more efficient to compile. One of her dates doesn’t work out because Aparna is understandably put off by the man’s lack of knowledge about Bolivian salt flats. Other things Aparna is put off by: The prospect of “having to lay on a beach for more than three hours”, comedy and the idea of hanging out with a husband in the future.
“I tried to punch him when he held my hand yesterday.” – Aparna Shewakramani
Oh Aparna, never change.
“How’s very good in the bed?” – Sushil, astrologer
Sushil then helpfully clarifies that he is, indeed, talking about sex. While Sima believes in matching horoscopes as a method of “insurance” for a good marriage, the astrologer, on the other hand, seems to think that it can only go so far if the couple’s sex life is lacklustre. And thus, this question is born.
“My mom is literally what I want to be looking at in a wife.” – Akshay Jakhete, client
Freud and Oedipus have entered the chat. Surprisingly, or maybe not for Indian men, Akshay’s not even the only client to specify that dating criteria. The mother of Vinay Vasnani from season 2 also reveals that he told her he’d like a girl like her. Yikes.
“Do you like animals? Mammals, or more like, sea life?” – Pradhyuman Maloo, client
Anyone who’s ever had to resort to making awkward small-talk on a date can empathize.
‘Even if he was Nick Jonas, I do not think Priyanka Chopra would shift to his chicken factory.” – Sima Taparia
Businessman Akshay Dhumal’s had trouble finding a match, not in the least because he’s looking for a woman who’d not only be willing to move to Nashik but help him run his family’s poultry farming company. And so Sima gives him some much-needed perspective. Of course, Akshay’s criteria for what he wants in a wife includes: Good education, wants children, and likes chickens.
“Some supernatural forces have been used on him.” – Janardhan Dhurve, face reader
In this scene, Janardhan’s talking about Akshay and hazarding a guess as to why no women have been willing to marry him so far. It’s the chickens, Janardhan! Still, the face reader attributes Akshay’s lack of romantic success to a “Vivan Bandhan curse” and predicts that he’ll still be married within a year.
“I’m ovo-lacto-semi vegetarian.” – Viral Joshi, client
Ironically, a mouthful of a sentence. Viral’s dietary restrictions are part of the matrimonial criteria she’s looking for in a husband and she drops this line on a date.
“Ultimately, my efforts are meaningless if the stars are not aligned.” – Sima Taparia
Not only is Sima undercutting the premise of her own show – the whole thing hinges on her ability to find her clients’ perfect match! – but also providing us with one of the best excuses we’ve heard for shirking responsibility and avoiding accountability. This is now our go-to retort for everything.