Rahul Desai
When ChatGPT renders Bollywood screenwriters jobless in the near future, they will form a union to sue artificial intelligence (AI). The high-profile case will be covered by AI-operated cameras and holograms of reporters.
In court, when a lawyer asks the writers if they remember the exact moment they realized that a machine is capable of replacing them, the answer would be unanimous: The release of Kisi Ka Bhai Kisi Ki Jaan in 2023.
That fateful April weekend is when they knew that storytelling and film-making didn’t need to be done by humans anymore. The judge will ask for audiovisual evidence. Dramatically, the footage of Salman Khan dancing, moving and speaking will appear on a screen that emerges out of thin air.
And the prosecution lawyer will then summon a film critic to explain the algorithmic atrocity that is Kisi Ka Bhai Kisi Ki Jaan. The testimony would be vivid, furious and go as follows.
At this point, the film critic on stand in the ChatGPT trial apologizes for digressing. The judge is not pleased. The critic dismisses all rumours about the actors in the film being AI-generated. And then launches into a pained rant about how Salman Khan simply stopped trying with Kisi Ka Bhai Kisi Ki Jaan.
At this point, the judge and the lawyers will request the critic to take a deep breath. Have a sip of water. The harried critic will keep mumbling though, wondering aloud about how juvenile (and mildly racist) it is to have the interval slate read “Welcome to the World of South India”.
The critic will break down while recalling a moment where an old lady, who wakes up from an 8-year coma, looks like she’s seen Race 4 on loop for 8 years: Shell-shocked beyond repair.
The critic will have to be escorted away in agony, eventually, while muttering about why the makers thought it was meta-smart to have a whistle (as in single-screen ‘seetis’) bring a wounded Bhaijaan back to life.
When the judge finally asks the ChatGPT lawyer to give a closing statement, she will be speechless at first. Then she will turn to her billionaire clients and advise them to pull the bot out of film-making.
She will cite the creative bankruptcy of the film’s climax, where a bleeding Bhaijaan saves the day and the camera cuts to each brother declaring “game over,” “chapter close,” “knockout” and “the end” respectively. The screenwriters will rejoice, and announce a film based on this trial called Bhaijaan LLB, starring Salman Khan. Knockout.